Realizations

My heart is tearing.

I got a 99% in two of my classes, a 94% in one, and a 98% in the last. One of those classes was A&P, and another was microbiology.

You'd think I'd be ecstatic.
I'm not.

I looked at my final grades, and I wanted to cry.
Broken.
Actually, I was pretty shocked that 1) I did so well and 2) that I was feeling broken.

Then God spoke.
There's no satisfaction in earthly pleasures.
They can't bring fulfillment.
They can't bring lasting joy.

I've been operating out of a spirit of perfectionism rather than a spirit of excellence. How idiotic! How vain! Grasping at the wind. And what for?

Tonight was rough. My youth pastor is leaving in six weeks because God has called him into something else. After many tears and many divine occurrences, I ended up getting to talk to my spiritual mama and then ended up staying late and helping my youth pastor clean up. This was so wonderful because I got to speak to him and his wife one-on-one. I left so encouraged. One thing that he said stuck with me. He said that school exists for God's purpose and my pleasure. He also asked if I have freed myself to dream.

I just started to let myself dream a few months ago. This is when I knew that I must change my major, yet again. It's stressful because I've spent my life squeezing myself into other people's molds. The fear of rejection is one that I'm still getting free from. I've just recently discovered that I CAN make a huge difference and that the world IS mine to interact with.

Pastor Brock and Alissa really encourged me. Alissa told me how beautiful I am, and both of them really encouraged me in my faith and my attitude. Because of last night, I'm committing to a season of dreaming and to a season of healing.

Saying good-bye just got so much harder.