Guilt, Condemnation, and Self-Hatred

I'm not sure why I feel compelled to post about guilt again, but maybe someone needs to read it!

On Friday I got the revelation that guilt is a form of self-hatred. It may seem sort of obvious to some, but to me, it was a news flash! Self-condemnation is closely tied to guilt, and although a little more obvious, it's also a form of self-hatred. Self-condemnation can stem from guilt, but it often comes because of your own judgment of others. If you judge others, it's likely that you judge yourself by holding yourself to harsh standards. In addition, if you judge others, the judgement you pour on them will also be poured back on you.

Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. Matthew 7:1-2

How do you get free?

If you want freedom from self-condemnation, get the plank out of your eye, and stop focusing on the speck in your brother's eye. Repent for judging others. Repent for judging yourself. Plead the blood over any ungodly words you've spoken over others or yourself, and ask God to break their power. Pray a blessing over those you've judged. Pray a blessing over yourself!

And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Matthew 7:3

If you want freedom from guilt, FORGIVE YOURSELF! Earth-shattering revelation, right? Doesn't seem like it, but for me, it was! God did a deep work on my heart two nights ago, and it involved me having to go allllll the way back to my conception and forgive myself for ever existing. I had no idea that I harbored so much hatred towards myself, but God mercifully opened my eyes after weeks of crying out for deliverance from seemingly inescapable guilt. Once I "let myself off the hook" and forgave myself for a huge list of things, I didn't feel any different. But I CAN tell you that my life has been changed. The past two days have been so different. I have been able to receive more of the Father's love, and I have been able to pour that love out on others. I have had less anxiety and nervousness, and I have not felt as sick physically. I have felt joyful, carefree, and child-like. My moods have not been all over the place, and I can connect with God so much more easily. I feel His loving presence everywhere.

Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:37

Side Note: If you're having issues feeling or receiving the Father's love, chances are you need to forgive yourself. You can't "feel" loved if you think that you're unworthy of love. Once you let go of self-hatred and sever your mental agreements with the lies of the enemy, you are free to come into agreement with the truths of your Father - see yourself the way He sees you and feel His delight over you.

"Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little." Luke 7:47

I don't promise to have all the answers. I just wanted to share a piece of my journey and hope that it blesses someone :)

Bride

Sometimes I wonder
if I will ever get married.

I'm holding tight to prophecy.

I know I'm so young.
I know I have so much time.

But it's hard.

Knowing my destiny lies so tightly entwined in my future family.
Wondering if the desires I've had since I was little to be a young bride will be crushed.
Seeing my best friends get engaged and married, one by one.

It definitely makes me face the true condition of my heart.
Insecurity.
Jealousy.
Self-hatred.
Judgment.

To name a few.

I know I have an eternal Bridegroom to prepare for.
But sometimes it's hard.
I should be so much more excited for the wedding of the Lamb.
But I'm not.

Here's to honesty.
And a heart that needs worked on.

Guilt

I've struggled intensely with false guilt, shame, and self-condemnation since I can remember. I don't think "intensely" is a strong enough word. These sins have been so deeply entrenched in me that they caused an auto-immune disease which I'm still trusting God to deliver me from. My body literally eats itself. I've lost a foot an a half of intestine so far. My guilt has been particularly bad these past few days. Hence, I've been feeling terrible. (By the way.. the disease is caused by other things that I'm currently getting freedom from, as well). ANYHOW, I've been searching for God's help all day, and He gave me: 

how much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself without spot to God, cleanse your conscience from dead works to serve the living God? Hebrews 9:14

For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ2 Corinthians 10:4-5

 I realized that I haven't been receiving His forgiveness. His blood. As ridiculous as it sounds to me, my heart has been housing areas of pride.. as in, "Jesus, I don't need your blood because I can self-medicate my guilt by soaking in Your presence whenever it starts to get really bad." My solution doesn't sound like a bad thing at all - except I was smacking a band-aid on a huge pussy infected wound. I wasn't going to the root - I was just treating the symptoms. I was resting in my own fleshy efforts to rid myself of guilt rather than letting His mighty blood come in and pull down this stronghold.

I'm not really sure why I'm sharing. Maybe someone on here needs help in dealing with guilt. I'll end with a quote that speaks to me time and time again.

"There is no place to hide but in the blood of the Lamb." AW Tozer

Today

These past few weeks have been so intense God-wise. He is sifting His people and raising up a remnant to usher in this coming revival. I'm so humbled at the favor on my life. I have SO MUCH to share, but i'm just going to talk about today for now. hopefully i'll come back and update about the past few weeks soon :)

I got 4.5 hours of sleep because God had me up all night encountering me and my friend Desiree. He had angels stationed around us and was speaking into us and pouring out His Spirit. Church was so intense today. That's a whole story in itself, but God was there and moving and pouring out and raising up and purifying and setting apart.

After church, I was supposed to go back to my spiritual mother's house to get my stuff (I spent the night there), but one of her daughters had locked the house and went out to lunch and wouldn’t be back for at least an hour. I started to get mad and offended that she forgot and that my day was being inconvenienced (can someone day ridiculous? so much selfishness that needs removed! ah!) I then decided that it wasn’t worth it to get upset because it would put distance between me and God. I died to myself :) I was like OKAY GOD, I KNOW THIS IS A TEST, AND I DON'T LIKE IT, BUT YOU'RE IN CHARGE! I then prayed that God would let me get into the house somehow, and I felt like He told me to use a credit card. I tried it, and the door popped open in 2 seconds or less. (I tried this again when I got home today, and I could NOT get it to work… GOD’S GRACE TO LET ME INTO DAWN’S HOUSE!) I got my stuff, and on my drive home, I saw a woman with a sign asking for money. I felt God told me to stop and pray for her, but I kept driving until I knew I was being disobedient and therefore cursing myself. I turned around and ran across a busy highway to her. I introduced myself and asked for her name (Lori). I told her I didn’t have money, but she asked if I was wanting to pray for her. I said yes! She told me her situation, and I prayed for her for blessing and prosperity and for healing in her toe and that she would have Jesus revealed to her. Immediately after I prayed for blessing, a woman drove up and handed her cash. I told Lori that the blessing was starting already and that God loved her SO MUCH that He made me turn around to pray for her. She started spilling to me all these things she wanted prayer for. She did tell me that she is saved. She said that I was glowing and that she could see God all over me.. that I looked like Jesus. IT WAS SO COOL! I felt so awesome afterwards, and it is cool to know I’ll be blessed for my obedience. It's fun to be the hands and feet of Christ. It's even more fun to think that if I hadn't been locked out of Dawn's, I would have completely missed the woman with the sign because my timing would have been off. God's ways and plans are so far above ours. I usually have such a fear of man and of evangelism that is paralyzing, but today was a breeze. God's grace is so amazing.

I came home and had love overflowing for my family. it's usually hard for me to love them. I could literally see the love affecting my family for the good and catching fire in them.

It’s so awesome walking in what you know you’re supposed to walk in - walking in your purpose. I feel SO highly favored.

List

a friend's post urged me to sit down and think about the things that i want in a husband. it's hard for me to make a list because i am personally trying not to put any expectations on him. my expectations need to be in the Creator, not the created. i've struggled in the past with trusting God fully with whoever He's giving me, and it has taken a lot of death for me to lay down different things that i desire in a spouse.

if i had to make a list, though, these would be included. i might even add things later. this is more for me to remember and look back on rather than for other people to read, but i don't mind if you DO read :) i can feel confident in putting these following qualities on my list because i'm sure of God's calling on my life in these areas, and my husband's calling must align with mine. also, most of these are qualities that Jesus possessed. therefore, i don't really feel concerned that i'm putting ungodly expectations on him.

1) radical laid-down lover of Jesus
2) financially secure
3) disciplined with his body (eating, exercise, etc. this IS biblical)
4) healed from sexual immorality
5) healed from parent wounds
6) a passion for the fatherless and the oppressed
7) disciplined in the spiritual disciplines (prayer, fasting, titheing, etc)
8) a deep revelation of the fullness of the Father's love
9) Spirit-filled - baptized in the Spirit
10) confident in his ability to hear the voice of God
11) a passion for loving the unlovely and the perpetrator
12) a passion to be a father (physical and spiritual)
13) a passion for justice that is balanced with a mercy-heart
14) a contageous, consistent joy
15) ability to shift the spiritual atmosphere
16) secure in his identity in Christ
17) confident in his authority as a man of God
18) carrier of peace and is a peacemaker
19) exudes patience, kindness, gentleness, and compassion
20) practices power under control (meekness)
21) faithful as a son of God and as a husband and father
22) lives a lifestyle of worship
23) practices self-control over his mind, will, emotions, and flesh
24) yields to the Spirit
25) posesses the abililty to give and receive freely
26) embraces grace
27) embraces humility
28) appreciates and seeks truth and beauty
29) firey warrior for God
30) actively pursuing a love relationship with Jesus
31) receives correction and discipline well and is under authority's covering
32) possesses a spirit of thankfulness
33) possesses control of his tongue and his words
34) walks in honesty and integrity - is a man of his word
35) has vision and God-sized dreams and actively pursues them
36) freely gives and receives forgiveness
37) carries the fear of the Lord and godly repentence
38) lives a lifestyle of honor
39) loves clarity and communcation
40) a passion for protecting life
41) has an eternal mindset - stores up his treasure in heaven

i've only spent about 30 minutes thinking about this. i also really hope he's artistic and musical, but i'm leaving that in God's hands. i don't expect him to be perfect in all of these, but i do expect him to be growing in all of them. i don't feel like that's an ungodly expectation :)

Speech

 Today I gave a speech on the negative effects of abortion on women. I was so afraid to give it a week ago, but I felt that God was telling me to speak. It made no sense to me because my class has like 15 males and only one other female, but I kept feeling like I was supposed to talk about this, so I was obedient. I had so much fear, but I asked God for at least one mind to be changed. Today God really broke in and gave me peace, and everything went so well :)

At the end of the speech, we had Q&A time, and a boy told me that he used to be pro-life and had changed his mind over time. He asked me what I thought about abortion in the case of rape. I prayed, and then I gave my answer. At the end, he looked at me and said, "you win."

He changed his mind and is now pro-life again.

JESUS WINS!

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.

Psalm 81:10 I am the LORD your God, Who brought you out of the land of Egypt; Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.

Encounter

I've gotten some major breakthrough in the past few days. I went on a women's retreat, and God set up a series of divine appointments, and I ended up getting deep deliverance from father wounds. There was a spirit of abandonment trying to attach itself onto my seed, but it's gone now in Jesus' name :)

I know now that I have never been unloved, even though I've lived my entire life up until last April believing that I was. God let me see how my birth parents have always loved me, even though I was abandoned by them.

I also had a soul tie that I was unaware of, but that's gone now, too. I am blessed that God is so merciful - that He listens to my cries and breaks in to help me, even when I'm so dirty and filled with sin and so deceived.

I now know that I am a daughter and that I am loved for who I am and not for my actions. It's so freeing!

God has also spoken a lot in the past few days about my future children - no abandonment for them :) Jesus has the final say!