On Being Used

A couple weeks ago I was going through a rough time. I got fed up and started complaining to God about people using me. For some reason, I was expecting some words of comfort or a "Caitlin, I know what it feels like," or some other form of consolation.

Much to my surprise (although, thinking back, this shouldn't have surprised me at all), God didn't show me pity or the type of compassion I was looking for. Instead, I received a "Caitlin, that's what I created you for."

WHAT?

Immediately, Matthew 10:8 was dropped into my spirit. Freely you have received, freely give. He then gave me John 7:38 He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water. Finally, I remembered Ezekiel 47, which is the chapter that speaks of the healing river. (If you're not familiar with the passage, I really recommend you go read it now. For your own benefit.. because it's super awesome.)  I'm most concerned with verses 8-9 and verse 11.  ^8bWhen it reaches the sea, its waters are healed. ⁹ And it shall be that every living thing that moves, wherever the rivers go, will live. There will be a very great multitude of fish, because these waters go there; for they will be healed, and everything will live wherever the river goes......¹¹ But its swamps and marshes will not be healed; they will be given over to salt.

Did you catch that? The river that flows out of us is filled with healing. Wherever we take it, we will bring life. The people we touch (multitudes!) will receive that healing life of the living water. However, if we allow our river to remain stagnant, no healing will occur.  In other words, if we don't freely give, the living water inside of us becomes worthless, and no one that we come into contact with will receive life.

A bonus is that as we give out, God replenishes (and often with a greater measure).  Luke 6:38 Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you. So we're actually doing ourselves a favor by letting others use us.

We should not complain when others "use" us. We should rejoice and praise God that we can be a witness of His love to them. Luke 6:29-30, 35 To him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer the other also. And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. When others use us, we should offer to give them even more than they're searching for.

Jesus was kind to the unthankful and the evil during His time on Earth (and still is today). We should be, too. I feel like so often I cry the cry of Isaiah, "Here am I! Send me," and then I complain when the Lord is faithful to answer my prayer.

Time for things to change. Time to hand over my tunic. Here am I! Send me!

Comments

UPDATE: comments now work! yay :)

I really have no idea why many of you have been unable to comment on my posts.. I'm really sad that I may never know what ran through your heads :( haha BUT! i went through and changed some settings around, so someone let me know if you can comment now or not.. because I want to get this fixed!

<3

you

I know you're out there, and I know you're real. I know you're wonderful because so many people have told me such amazing things about you.

I pray for you. I can't wait for the days when we can pray together.

I want you to know that I'm waiting for you. I'm sorry I haven't waited for you in the past. I'm sorry if you have waited for me. I'm trying really hard now. I know you'll understand. And I know you'll be patient with me. It's a lot easier knowing you exist and seeing little glimpses of what we will be together.

Sometimes I wish I knew who you are. But I can't decide if that would make the present easier or more difficult.

Don't worry about anything -- I understand. I've already forgiven you. Just please promise me that you will always put me second. And that you'll sing to me, even if you're insecure about your voice.

I want you to know that I'm already completely comfortable with you. It's mind-boggling. God is overwhelming me with more about you as I write.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve someone like you. And sometimes I'm afraid of the grand things God has laid before us. But I know that it's all going to be okay. I'm just so thankful to have you. Whenever I start doubting myself, my fears are quieted because I can't help but move in the right direction when I'm under the cover of a God-chaser.

I hope you're excited to meet our daughter. I know I am. She's going to be a daddy's girl. And she's going to follow in your footsteps. I pray for her, as well. You're going to be the most amazing daddy.. It melts my heart when God gives me images of you interacting with her. I was always so afraid to be a mother because I'm not sure exactly what that looks like.. but seeing you gives me confidence. We're going to have other children, as well.. But I don't know anything about them. Maybe you do.

I can't wait to meet you. God's doing a deep work in my heart so that I'll be ready for you soon.

<3

And by the way.. we're going to have a dog. haha.

Untitled

Something is still not quite right.

I still feel some sort of emptiness. It doesn't hurt, really.. but I keep looking for things to fill it, which means that I'm not allowing You access to somewhere in my heart.

You ask me if I'm going to keep fighting You, or if I'm going to believe that the blood is enough.

I don't want to fight You. In fact, most of the time I don't even realize I'm resisting. I need revelation.

I need You to show me how You're different. I need You to teach me how to give in to You. I need You to teach me how to let You into those dark places in my heart.. and also how to allow You continually access to those areas.

I think I trust You. at least I want to. I want to be the one coming up from wilderness leaning on her Beloved.

It is in the wilderness that I'll learn to trust You.

Draw me away, and I will run after You.

FREEEEDOMMMMM! (à la Wes Hall)

Yesterday was my spiritual birthday, and I got the best birthday present I could possibly ask for. I met my Daddy :)

For the past year, God has been patiently waiting for me and slowly working in me.  He has been trying to free me from of a spirit of fatherlessness and deep parent wounds; I had been holding Him back.  Every time anyone would mention the Father's love or experiences with Abba or anything regarding earthly parent wounds, a huge knot would rise up in my chest, and frequently I would burst out in tears without even knowing why I was crying.

I got so frustrated because I couldn't relate to God as a Father (I had no idea what that meant or looked like), and I couldn't relate to Jesus as a Lover because I have been terrified of intimacy.  These issues stem from parental issues, but I'm not going to delve into that here because it's super important not to uncover your authority figures.  (Take a lesson from Ham concerning Noah).

God really zoned in on this problem starting in January. It grew more intense in February with the Father Heart of God seminar. Things picked up even more a couple weeks before Easter and escalated super intensely until it exploded at the Cleansing Stream retreat a week ago.

I started asking God what was going on in my heart in February, and He showed me a vision of Jesus walking through a crowd and healing/ministering to every single person, except He passed me by and ignored me. I had another vision of Father God turning His head away from my direction when I asked Him for help. Anyhow, He was showing me that this is how I viewed Him in my heart. I was completely unaware that I subconsciously viewed God this way, and it was a hugely painful realization. I started BEGGING God to let me experience the Father's love. I finally started receiving little tastes, but I knew it wasn't the full revelation.

In summary, my perception of God the Father was extremely skewed because I translated the traits of my earthly father figures to God. I had dealt with years of pain leading to extreme issues with shame, unworthiness, rejection, abandonment, insecurity, lack of trust, fear, self-hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment, etcetera which started manifesting in different addictions and all sorts of crazy sin patterns and illnesses.  I had built up many walls for self-protection, vowing that I would not let anyone hurt me ever again.  These very walls that were made to keep people out also kept God out and blocked me from feeling the Father's affections towards me.

Friday, my spiritual mom came and visited me. (Thank God for amazing shepherds that chase down their wandering sheep). She got a vision of a huge boulder that was acting as a dam. Some water was trickling around it (which was the little tastes of His love that I felt), but the majority of His affections were blocked. God revealed to me that the boulder was a wall of unforgiveness, and this same unforgiveness was what is keeping me entangled with crohn's disease. The wall also blocked me from viewing God as He really is as opposed to how I saw Him - with attributes of my earthly parents.

Then I showed up at Ignite on Friday, and Pastor Linda spoke about the love of the Father and gave us steps on how to separate our concept of our earthly parents from that of God. (God's timing and divine orchestration never ceases to amaze me.) I felt like I had finally tapped into something but that I didn't have enough time to get through it last night.. so last night I went back and visited the area and applied her methods while watching the IHOP Awakening service. I dealt with the unforgiveness, and then I felt God pressing me to repent for and break agreement with and renounce so many sins and lies that I was believing. He was inviting me to climb into His lap, but I still felt that wall there.. I repented of everything I could think of and didn't understand what was blocking me. He showed me that I had this whole section of my heart blocked off for certain reasons, and I let Him into it (which was really hard), and He started speaking that I was no longer forsaken and that I didn't need to protect myself from Him and that I could trust Him and He'd walk with me through all of the hard times to come. I gave in and I felt this rush of fire in my heart, and I got a rush of peace.. but I still couldn't climb into His lap. Finally He showed me that I kept telling Him that I was unworthy (due to the shame of my past parent experiences). He made me repent (which was even harder), and IMMEDIATELY something broke. He spoke Isaiah 52:1-2 over me, telling me to arise and shake myself from the dust and loose myself from the bonds of my neck and put on my beautiful garments. And then I was in His lap. and I was cuddling with Him and He was holding me tight and stroking my hair and speaking so many things to me. It was the WEIRDEST feeling, but I loved it.. and I didn't want to leave. (The cool part is that I can go back whenever I want :D)

While in His lap, I felt the Lord proclaiming His desire over me and telling me how beautiful I am and how much He loves me. I could feel protection and security in His arms that I never felt from all of my own efforts to protect myself. All of a sudden He was like roaring/growling, voicing His anger over the injustice I had suffered and how He HATED that I had suffered and how He's going to vindicate me and repay me. He told me that no longer will the enemy overtake me. I felt Him as Jehovah Nissi for the first time ever. All of these little tiny banners popped up all around me, and written on them were different curses that had been spoken over me or that I had spoken about myself throughout my life. and I heard God roar/growl (I'm still wrapped tightly in His arms at this point), and each time He roared/growled, a banner would snap in half and fall to the ground, and He would speak His truth in its place. the last one to snap was labeled with "victim".. He snapped it, and then He raised a HUGE banner over my head with His name on it. I felt years of pain melt away as I saw Him pull a black rope out of my insides. The rope kept coming and coming and coming as I asked Him to take the pain away. Finally He removed it totally and tossed it to the cross where Jesus destroyed it.

Now that the wall is gone, I can hear Him speaking to me like crazy. I'm almost overwhelmed because I feel like He's constantly talking (biblically, He is). It's amazing though. I finally made it to the light at the end of that long, lonnnng tunnel.

There is freedom in the Father's embrace. Just ask. He'll show you :)

Isa 52:1-2  "Awake, awake! Put on your strength, O Zion; Put on your beautiful garments, O Jerusalem, the holy city! For the uncircumcised and the unclean Shall no longer come to you. Shake yourself from the dust, arise; Sit down, O Jerusalem! Loose yourself from the bonds of your neck, O captive daughter of Zion"

Isaiah 62:4 "You shall no longer be termed Forsaken, Nor shall your land any more be termed Desolate; But you shall be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; For the LORD delights in you, And your land shall be favored."

Psalm 10:17-18 "LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will prepare their heart; You will cause Your ear to hear, To do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, That the man of the earth may oppress no more."

Psalm 27:10 "When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the LORD will take care of me."

Psalm 20:1 "May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble, may the name of the God of Jacob defend you;"

Psalm 60:4-5a "You have given a banner to those who fear You, that it may be displayed because of the truth. Selah That Your beloved may be delivered..."

Exodus 17:15 "And Moses built an altar and called its name, The-LORD-Is-My-Banner (Jehovah Nissi)"

One Year

Today marks one year since I rededicated my life to Jesus AND got baptized in the Holy Spirit (by accident, I might add.. the best accident I've ever experienced hahaha).  Actually, I think tomorrow marks one year, but it was kind of a whole weekend thing, so yeah :) I was looking back through my journals from the past year (which I highly recommend to anyone reading this.. and if you don't journal consistently about what God does in your life, now is the time to start), and I was so amazed. God is SO good. If I was able to somehow show how far I've come, I'm pretty sure no one would believe it.

This past year has probably had some of the most intense 'downs' out of all of the years I've lived through; yet it has been the most enjoyable and fulfilling year of my life.  I should be a crushed mess from the things I've walked through, but God has given me oceans and oceans of grace, and therefore, I've emerged stronger than ever.  It has been the best year ever!  I've messed up SO much, but God has been faithful to chase after me and bring me back and clean me up each time, and this has allowed me to gain so much intimacy and insight into Who He is.

I am excited to see what the next year holds :)

IHOP

sooo I never updated about what God did for me at IHOP over spring break.

I bet I can't even begin to describe, so I'll just pick some of the major things.

As soon as we (grandparents and I) walked into the prayer room, the first divine encounter occured where we were prophesied over as a family. They received so much hope.. it was amazing. I received some REALLY good words. It was a great way to kick the weekend off.

God called me as a musician (and prophetic musician).  He said He'd give me songs from His throne room.  It really makes sense considering how I used to have a beautiful voice, which satan has tried to steal through a toncillectomy and through busyness. God has also put SO much grace on my guitar playing in the past.. I'm now really excited to start playing again this summer.

He commissioned me as a prophetess. It was so intense. One of my top God encounters for sure. I can't tell you how many people gave me words about me being a prophet.. and then God released it at 11 pm on my last night at IHOP, and it messed me up big time. in a good way. I've had many prophetic dreams since, and I hear God so much more clearly.. I could go on and on. There has been a huge difference. It's awesome. He's awesome.

God focused a lot on fixing my identity in Him. I was set free of self-hatred and obession with my appearance due to insecurity.  My eyes were really opened to how He sees me and the delight He has in me and how I'm His favorite. He gave me divine revelation about my weight, and I've been able to make peace with my body for the first time. I was also set free of the desire for the attention of males and also of performance and fear of man in general. that was huge for me.

Timidity was broken off of me, and I've had a firey boldness and courage to witness and step out in faith ever since. AWESOME.

He really ministered to me about the injustices I have suffered. He showed me that He has seen them and promised to vindicate me and deliver me and told me not to worry about it because He's got it taken care of.

He pulled off a few layers of shame. and He was so nice about it because He got me really really REALLY drunk on His joy right before He did it, so it didn't hurt as badly as it could have. (but in all seriousness, I've never been that blasted with His joy. His presense was so thick that I was gasping for air because I couldn't breathe. but it didn't hurt and it wasn't scary. it was hilarious. i've never laughed that hard in my life. i got set free of so much in those moments.)

uhh.. I got new impartations for gifts i've had.. such as gifts of healings, evangelism, revival, intercession, encouragement, etc.

I could go on and on and on. but i know no one wants to read an entry that long.. soooo i'll stop here. but i have about five pages of prophetic words that were spoken over me. He confirmed a lot of past words, too, so that's exciting :)

Storms

God was just teaching me about storms.

I was thinking about how storms are so beautiful. From the crazy cloud patterns to the brilliant flashes of lightning to the swirling vortex of tornadoes to the colors that don't show up in the sky at any other time to wind that tends to make nature look like it's dancing..

But how many times do we, as human beings, miss the opportunity to view this overwhelming beauty because we're scared? Because we're focused on seeking shelter or are afraid that the wild, untamed power of nature is going to harm us?

But the truth is, storms are not untamed. All storms are held in the palm of God's mighty right hand because He holds the entire world in His hands. All He has to do is speak "Peace," and all will grow calm. The power of storms pales in comparison to the power of the mighty Jehovah God.

Did you know that God has chosen to sit on a throne surrounded by thunder, lightning, a rushing river, and whirlwinds? that the God of the universe basically resides in the middle of a tornado? and yet we fear storms..

Thinking about storms in the physical has prompted me to examine spiritual storms. I think that many times we miss the beauty of the process because we're so focused on self-preservation and survival. But some of the most beautiful moments of our walk with our Savior happen when we feel like the world around us is falling apart or coming to crush us.

It reminds me of a quote from the Cleansing Stream video last night. Something alone the lines of, "if it's going to be funny in the future, you might as well laugh at it now."

I'm not going to lie.. being purified hurts. Being tried by flames isn't easy.

But maybe it's not all about waiting for the storm to pass. Maybe it's about learning to see the beauty during the storm. learning to trust that God has the storm under control and will yell PEACE before anything as the chance to crush you. maybe it's about learning to dance in the rain.

Cliche. But maybe.

Cleansing Stream

i was going to share what God did in me this past weekend at the Cleansing Stream retreat.. and then i realized i never updated about what He did in me over spring break at IHOP.. so i'll be covering IHOP sometime soon.

-----

Cleansing Stream:

I walked into the retreat in an extremely bad state and left in an even worse state.  I’ve been through so many deliverance retreats that it was so difficult to stay open during this one.  God is faithful though and totally gave me the grace to open up my heart and mind enough to receive a little bit.. which is a miracle in itself because I walked in with zero faith and 100% mistrust of God and everyone else.

I don’t feel like a lot happened because I’ve been through all of the topics covered so many times that I could have lead the deliverance myself.. but I’m really trusting God that He peeled back a couple more layers of my heart.

The only real difference I feel is that I don’t feel the smothering loneliness that I’ve felt for the past 3 weeks. One of the first women that prayed for me prayed to break off the lie that I’m alone, and then I got a revelation of Jesus sitting next to me and crying with me.. and ever since Saturday morning, I have literally felt Jesus with me EVERYWHERE.. giving me the strength to face the world and crying with me when I’m crying and just sitting there in comforting silence with me. It’s amazing. I’m so thankful for it. It has helped to lift some of the heaviness off of me in the past few days.

Overall, I feel like I got more deliverance from a 30 minute phone call with my friends last night than I did all weekend.. they prayed for me and just let me cry.. and spoke life to me.. and I could see a major difference in my day today.

I’m not trying to diss Cleansing Stream by any means. God just wants to deal with my wounds differently this time to show Himself to me in a bigger way. And I’m thankful.

I would write more but my brain is kinda fried it seems.

Job 23:17 (NIV)

You spoke to me this weekend.

You told me that I need to keep going.. that I need to press in.. that You saw me, the joy set before You, and it gave You what You needed to endure the cross.

You told me that I need to fix my eyes on You.. and to see the joy set before me -- the souls that are going to know You because of me.. and the family I am going to have.. with a husband and a dog and a Daddy who loves me -- and allow that joy to give me the strength I need to get through this.

You showed me that You will stay by my side and walk me through this step-by-step.. that You'll hold my hand.. that You'll just sit there and cry with me.

You showed me that if I don't feel like living, it's okay.. because You'll take over.. that I can empty myself of me and allow You to do the work, to live through me.

Thank You for breaking the silence.

-----

I don't understand, and I'm not going to pretend that I do. Your ways are too far above mine. I know that You're going to get so much glory out of this.. that I will emerge as gold purified through the flames, and something good will come out of all of this pain, even though I can't see it right now.

I know that this is hurting You far worse than it's hurting me, although I can't even imagine that at the moment.

I know that I'm on a different playing field now. I know that I feel Your joy more intensely than many, and therefore, it makes sense that I would feel satan's weak attacks more intensely.

You're taking me to a new level. You're making me a mountain that cannot be shaken. A good chunk of satan's arsenal will no longer effect me after this present darkness lifts. and I'm going to be filled with joy unspeakable - more intensely than I've ever experienced before.

Thank You for removing the lie that I need to walk through this perfectly. You're not demanding that I get through it exactly as Jesus would; You're simply asking that I let You get me through it.

And with Your help, I will.

I will not die in this fight. It's okay that I'm camped right on the line between life and death.. because I know that You will not let me cross it.

I will get through this night, even though it is seemingly endless. Even though I want to give up. Even though it feels like there's no way out. The night is always darkest right before the dawn. And the dawn is guaranteed to break because You are the only one Who can hold back the sun, and You are not going to do that.

It sucks that You won't deliver me or take this pain from me.. but at least I know that You're going to bring me through this, even if You won't pick me up out of it.

None of this makes it hurt any less.. but now I have the hope that as long as Your hand is in mine, I can walk through the flames.

Thank You for showing me that this is not forever.

Last Hope

You have to break in this weekend..











































..or i don't that i'll make it.

Testimony

I had to make a rhetorically-sound persuasive/argumentive video for my english class. I chose to share a portion of my testimony, arguing that life with Jesus is better than living without Him. God actually told me to do this topic, and He told me to use "Meant to Live" by Switchfoot. My professor is an extreme athiest/liberal who openly opposes Christian viewpoints in class, so I'm assuming that God is going to use this video to plant a seed in his heart. Just getting the idea okayed was a miracle in itself. God moved my prof's heart in a big way in order for me to get permission, but that's another story in itself.

I wish parts of it weren't so cheesy, but I had to apply transitions and effects and such with certain rhetorical reasons in mind and then write a paper explaining why I created the video as I did.. unfortunately, I feel as if the rhetorical aspect hurt more than it helped.  When God gave me the idea, it looked far cooler in my head.

I wish the project was better overall, but I didn't have enough time available to pour more into it.. and I also think that uploading it to youtube has caused the transitions to lag, so it doesn't really line up with the music anymore.. It is what it is. Either way, all glory goes to God.

Ex 17:6

Ex 17:6 Strike the rock, and water will come out of it for the people to drink.
Ps 105:41 He opened the rock, and water gushed out; like a river it flowed in the desert. 


Last week You told me that if you can use a rock to yield water, how much more can You use me, a living human being, to yield Your river?

I'm clinging to Your word, that no matter how messed up or useless I feel, I'm still better than a rock. But I'm growing really weary from the desert. and the striking.

1 Kings 19

I once heard Corey Russell teach on the prophets of today being trapped in their prison caves of shame. I thought I had an idea.. I had no clue.

In this passage, God needs Elijah (arguably) more than ever.. yet Elijah, fearing Jezebel and faced with the reality of a lack of revival in the land, runs and hides in a cave.

ELIJAH. the same Elijah who stood boldly before Ahab and declared a three year drought over the land. who was fed by ravens of God's divine provision. who provided a widow with a miraculous food supply in the middle of a famine. who raised the widow's son. who called down fire from heaven. who prayed until rain clouds appeared. who outran Ahab back to Jezreel.

this same Elijah, filled with fear and despair, ran and hid in a cave upon hearing that Jezebel was seeking to kill him. HOW? how did this mighty man of God become such a "failure"?

i believe that a large part of why Elijah got to the point of hiding in a cave is that he lost his focus. he lost sight of God, and pride snuck in.. and then his expectations were shattered. things weren't going how he had imagined them to go (neglecting God's timing and sovereignty), so Elijah, ashamed, went and hid in a place of human refuge rather than turning to The Ultimate Refuge.

i can't help but see the parallels in my life. on March 19th, i was commissed by God as a prophetess. on March 27th, God laid it on my heart to really go after the spirit of Jezebel (not that i haven't been going after her for almost a year now.. but it was a fresh passion). i went about it in my own way, rather than seeking God's heart on what to do. two days later, she came after ME. what did i do? i retreated into my cave of shame.

while in my cave, God also started showing me areas of unrelated shame that i have carried around since my childhood. His pure intent was to deal with the pain and free me, but i got scared and neglected to trust Him.. and so satan took that opportunity and wormed his way into that pain.. and the pain grew and festered until it was out of my control.


basically this past week was CRAZY. i was being demonically tormented (i'm not using that term loosely) from monday to saturday afternoon.. it got to the point where my best friend, as an intercessor, was also being tormented on my behalf. i was thinking things and doing things and feeling things that i haven't felt since before i rededicated my life to Christ. it got to the point where i was deadened to God.


my favorite part about this story is that God completely restored Elijah and brought him back into his ministry, stronger than ever. God broke in and did this for me yesterday. i've never been more grateful.


i thought it was fitting for Resurrection Sunday. i was going to post a blog related to Easter.. but in a way, i just wanted to share how God "resurrected" me this weekend, just as He restored Elijah.


He is good. praise Him. He is worthy of it :)

The Spirit is Willing, but the Body is Weak

You've never failed me before

why do I feel betrayed?

if I close my heart to You now

the darkness would have its way

I crave Your voice help me not to fall away

will you please hold me?

and sing me a love song again

say the words that heal my heart

sing me a love song and then

let your words remind me who I am

i'm really trying to believe You, but it's hard. i want to trust You, but i don't know how. i know faith is believing and not seeing, but it's really hard to believe You when everything within me is screaming the opposite.

You said that everything works together for my good and that Your plans are to prosper me and not to harm me.. You also said that You are close to the broken hearted and that if i draw near to You, You'll draw near to me. You promised that You'd never leave me, nor forsake me. You called me Hephzibah and told me that i was no longer desolate or forsaken. You said that You dance and sing songs of deliverance over me. You told me that nothing can pluck me from Your hand. You said that You Who began a good work in me would be faithful to bring it to completion. You promised that You'd take this heart of stone out of my chest and replace it with a heart of flesh. You said there would be joy in the laying down. You promised beauty for ashes and joy for mourning and praise for heaviness. You said that You set the lonely in families. You called me Your favorite. You told me not to fear - that Your perfect love would cast out all fear. You said that Your love is better than wine. You promised You'd be my Defender, my Shield, my Exceedingly Great Reward. You promised You'd be my Comforter, my Counselor, my Rock and my Fortress. You said that You call me friend. You called me Your lily among thorns. You told me You wanted me, that You placed me on the earth for such a time as this - that when You conceived me in Your heart before the foundations of the earth, it pained You to know that You'd have to wait until 1990 to bring me forth in flesh. You said You collect all of my tears in a bottle. You called me Your beloved, Your desired one. You said that You are not a God afar off. You said that i satisfy you, that i'm dark but lovely. You said that for every hurt i feel, You feel it to a far worse extent. You'd said You'd give me rest. You said that nothing is too hard for You. You said that I was the joy placed before You and that You endured the cross for me alone. You promised rain. You promised to protect me, that no weapon formed against me would prosper. You called me chosen. You promised to redeem me. You promised to give me retribution. You promised to vindicate me. You said You'd bind up my wounds. You promised.

i'm bound in my prison cave of shame. it feels like You're so far away. i want You so badly, but i don't know how. i want to want You more than these other temporary fixes that just leave me emptier in the end. it doesn't make sense. i know You're trying so hard to reach me, but i don't know how to loose my grasp on the pain for long enough to grab Your hand.

i know what You're doing. and i know this is for my good. You're trying so hard to help me. You meant to free me from some bonds this past week. i know Your intents were pure.. but it is so painful. i tried to let You in, but in the end, i'm left with more walls than i started with. i don't want to block You out, but i'm afraid. i'm afraid You'll leave me. i'm afraid You'll abandon me just like they did. i know it makes no sense.. You've given me Your word, and You are not a man that You should lie. but i can't trust You yet. it hurts so badly. I want so badly just to run into Your arms and cry and let You take the pain, but I'm afraid You'll turn me away, that You'll pass me by, that You'll skip over me, that i won't be good enough for You. i'm so afraid that You'll ignore me or turn Your face away from me.. that You'll pour out Your love and healing on every person except for me. I just want to be Daddy's girl, but how can i bury myself in your lap when i don't know how to be loved? You tell me that I'm worthy and that You don't care about what happened in the past and that You'll teach me how to love, but i can't believe You. i believe You in my mind, but my heart speaks a different word. how can i believe what You say when everyone in my life has always told me different? i've spent almost twenty years believing that i'm undesired and worthless.. and now You're trying to walk in and upturn everything i've built my life upon?

I can't help but feel like You're holding out on me, that all of Your promises will lay empty and broken at my feet. I don't want to feel this way about You, and I know You understand.

It hurts so badly that You understand. that You know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling - all of the negative lies I think about you - and yet You still love me. it kills me that everything You do towards me or think about me is done through the eyes of mercy. I'm not worthy. I deserve for You to turn Your back on me, and yet You continue to stand there with arms wide open.

I don't want to trample the blood of Jesus under my feet. I don't want to tell You that Your Son's sacrifice was not enough, that the pain is too deep, that I must make up for it with my own blood. I don't want to hurt Your heart. It breaks my heart to know that I'm hurting You. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to disappoint You, even though You say that I don't. I want to bring You joy, not suffering, even though You say You sit in the heavens and laugh. I want to give You everything, just as You gave everything for me. but I can't. i know i'm selfish.. but I just can't trust You yet. I spent ninteen and a half years building walls to protect what was left of my shattered heart, and now You're asking me to give into You?

where were You? where were You the whole time i was growing up? where were You?

You say that You were there, crying with me. i don't know how to believe You. but i want to.

i have so many more questions to ask You. i know the answers. really, i do. i know the truth about what is written in this blog. i have a wealth of information stored up in my head.. but information means nothing without revelation.

i don't want to go back there. please. don't let me go back there. i need You.