Yesterday was my spiritual birthday, and I got the best birthday present I could possibly ask for. I met my Daddy :)
For the past year, God has been patiently waiting for me and slowly working in me. He has been trying to free me from of a spirit of fatherlessness and deep parent wounds; I had been holding Him back. Every time anyone would mention the Father's love or experiences with Abba or anything regarding earthly parent wounds, a huge knot would rise up in my chest, and frequently I would burst out in tears without even knowing why I was crying.
I got so frustrated because I couldn't relate to God as a Father (I had no idea what that meant or looked like), and I couldn't relate to Jesus as a Lover because I have been terrified of intimacy. These issues stem from parental issues, but I'm not going to delve into that here because it's super important not to uncover your authority figures. (Take a lesson from Ham concerning Noah).
God really zoned in on this problem starting in January. It grew more intense in February with the Father Heart of God seminar. Things picked up even more a couple weeks before Easter and escalated super intensely until it exploded at the Cleansing Stream retreat a week ago.
I started asking God what was going on in my heart in February, and He showed me a vision of Jesus walking through a crowd and healing/ministering to every single person, except He passed me by and ignored me. I had another vision of Father God turning His head away from my direction when I asked Him for help. Anyhow, He was showing me that this is how I viewed Him in my heart. I was completely unaware that I subconsciously viewed God this way, and it was a hugely painful realization. I started BEGGING God to let me experience the Father's love. I finally started receiving little tastes, but I knew it wasn't the full revelation.
In summary, my perception of God the Father was extremely skewed because I translated the traits of my earthly father figures to God. I had dealt with years of pain leading to extreme issues with shame, unworthiness, rejection, abandonment, insecurity, lack of trust, fear, self-hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment, etcetera which started manifesting in different addictions and all sorts of crazy sin patterns and illnesses. I had built up many walls for self-protection, vowing that I would not let anyone hurt me ever again. These very walls that were made to keep people out also kept God out and blocked me from feeling the Father's affections towards me.
Friday, my spiritual mom came and visited me. (Thank God for amazing shepherds that chase down their wandering sheep). She got a vision of a huge boulder that was acting as a dam. Some water was trickling around it (which was the little tastes of His love that I felt), but the majority of His affections were blocked. God revealed to me that the boulder was a wall of unforgiveness, and this same unforgiveness was what is keeping me entangled with crohn's disease. The wall also blocked me from viewing God as He really is as opposed to how I saw Him - with attributes of my earthly parents.
Then I showed up at Ignite on Friday, and Pastor Linda spoke about the love of the Father and gave us steps on how to separate our concept of our earthly parents from that of God. (God's timing and divine orchestration never ceases to amaze me.) I felt like I had finally tapped into something but that I didn't have enough time to get through it last night.. so last night I went back and visited the area and applied her methods while watching the IHOP Awakening service. I dealt with the unforgiveness, and then I felt God pressing me to repent for and break agreement with and renounce so many sins and lies that I was believing. He was inviting me to climb into His lap, but I still felt that wall there.. I repented of everything I could think of and didn't understand what was blocking me. He showed me that I had this whole section of my heart blocked off for certain reasons, and I let Him into it (which was really hard), and He started speaking that I was no longer forsaken and that I didn't need to protect myself from Him and that I could trust Him and He'd walk with me through all of the hard times to come. I gave in and I felt this rush of fire in my heart, and I got a rush of peace.. but I still couldn't climb into His lap. Finally He showed me that I kept telling Him that I was unworthy (due to the shame of my past parent experiences). He made me repent (which was even harder), and IMMEDIATELY something broke. He spoke Isaiah 52:1-2 over me, telling me to arise and shake myself from the dust and loose myself from the bonds of my neck and put on my beautiful garments. And then I was in His lap. and I was cuddling with Him and He was holding me tight and stroking my hair and speaking so many things to me. It was the WEIRDEST feeling, but I loved it.. and I didn't want to leave. (The cool part is that I can go back whenever I want :D)
While in His lap, I felt the Lord proclaiming His desire over me and telling me how beautiful I am and how much He loves me. I could feel protection and security in His arms that I never felt from all of my own efforts to protect myself. All of a sudden He was like roaring/growling, voicing His anger over the injustice I had suffered and how He HATED that I had suffered and how He's going to vindicate me and repay me. He told me that no longer will the enemy overtake me. I felt Him as Jehovah Nissi for the first time ever. All of these little tiny banners popped up all around me, and written on them were different curses that had been spoken over me or that I had spoken about myself throughout my life. and I heard God roar/growl (I'm still wrapped tightly in His arms at this point), and each time He roared/growled, a banner would snap in half and fall to the ground, and He would speak His truth in its place. the last one to snap was labeled with "victim".. He snapped it, and then He raised a HUGE banner over my head with His name on it. I felt years of pain melt away as I saw Him pull a black rope out of my insides. The rope kept coming and coming and coming as I asked Him to take the pain away. Finally He removed it totally and tossed it to the cross where Jesus destroyed it.
Now that the wall is gone, I can hear Him speaking to me like crazy. I'm almost overwhelmed because I feel like He's constantly talking (biblically, He is). It's amazing though. I finally made it to the light at the end of that long, lonnnng tunnel.
There is freedom in the Father's embrace. Just ask. He'll show you :)
Isa 52:1-2 "Awake, awake! Put on your strength, O Zion; Put on your beautiful garments, O Jerusalem, the holy city! For the uncircumcised and the unclean Shall no longer come to you. Shake yourself from the dust, arise; Sit down, O Jerusalem! Loose yourself from the bonds of your neck, O captive daughter of Zion"
Isaiah 62:4 "You shall no longer be termed Forsaken, Nor shall your land any more be termed Desolate; But you shall be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; For the LORD delights in you, And your land shall be favored."
Psalm 10:17-18 "LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will prepare their heart; You will cause Your ear to hear, To do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, That the man of the earth may oppress no more."
Psalm 27:10 "When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the LORD will take care of me."
Psalm 20:1 "May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble, may the name of the God of Jacob defend you;"
Psalm 60:4-5a "You have given a banner to those who fear You, that it may be displayed because of the truth. Selah That Your beloved may be delivered..."
Exodus 17:15 "And Moses built an altar and called its name, The-LORD-Is-My-Banner (Jehovah Nissi)"
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