The Spirit is Willing, but the Body is Weak

You've never failed me before

why do I feel betrayed?

if I close my heart to You now

the darkness would have its way

I crave Your voice help me not to fall away

will you please hold me?

and sing me a love song again

say the words that heal my heart

sing me a love song and then

let your words remind me who I am

i'm really trying to believe You, but it's hard. i want to trust You, but i don't know how. i know faith is believing and not seeing, but it's really hard to believe You when everything within me is screaming the opposite.

You said that everything works together for my good and that Your plans are to prosper me and not to harm me.. You also said that You are close to the broken hearted and that if i draw near to You, You'll draw near to me. You promised that You'd never leave me, nor forsake me. You called me Hephzibah and told me that i was no longer desolate or forsaken. You said that You dance and sing songs of deliverance over me. You told me that nothing can pluck me from Your hand. You said that You Who began a good work in me would be faithful to bring it to completion. You promised that You'd take this heart of stone out of my chest and replace it with a heart of flesh. You said there would be joy in the laying down. You promised beauty for ashes and joy for mourning and praise for heaviness. You said that You set the lonely in families. You called me Your favorite. You told me not to fear - that Your perfect love would cast out all fear. You said that Your love is better than wine. You promised You'd be my Defender, my Shield, my Exceedingly Great Reward. You promised You'd be my Comforter, my Counselor, my Rock and my Fortress. You said that You call me friend. You called me Your lily among thorns. You told me You wanted me, that You placed me on the earth for such a time as this - that when You conceived me in Your heart before the foundations of the earth, it pained You to know that You'd have to wait until 1990 to bring me forth in flesh. You said You collect all of my tears in a bottle. You called me Your beloved, Your desired one. You said that You are not a God afar off. You said that i satisfy you, that i'm dark but lovely. You said that for every hurt i feel, You feel it to a far worse extent. You'd said You'd give me rest. You said that nothing is too hard for You. You said that I was the joy placed before You and that You endured the cross for me alone. You promised rain. You promised to protect me, that no weapon formed against me would prosper. You called me chosen. You promised to redeem me. You promised to give me retribution. You promised to vindicate me. You said You'd bind up my wounds. You promised.

i'm bound in my prison cave of shame. it feels like You're so far away. i want You so badly, but i don't know how. i want to want You more than these other temporary fixes that just leave me emptier in the end. it doesn't make sense. i know You're trying so hard to reach me, but i don't know how to loose my grasp on the pain for long enough to grab Your hand.

i know what You're doing. and i know this is for my good. You're trying so hard to help me. You meant to free me from some bonds this past week. i know Your intents were pure.. but it is so painful. i tried to let You in, but in the end, i'm left with more walls than i started with. i don't want to block You out, but i'm afraid. i'm afraid You'll leave me. i'm afraid You'll abandon me just like they did. i know it makes no sense.. You've given me Your word, and You are not a man that You should lie. but i can't trust You yet. it hurts so badly. I want so badly just to run into Your arms and cry and let You take the pain, but I'm afraid You'll turn me away, that You'll pass me by, that You'll skip over me, that i won't be good enough for You. i'm so afraid that You'll ignore me or turn Your face away from me.. that You'll pour out Your love and healing on every person except for me. I just want to be Daddy's girl, but how can i bury myself in your lap when i don't know how to be loved? You tell me that I'm worthy and that You don't care about what happened in the past and that You'll teach me how to love, but i can't believe You. i believe You in my mind, but my heart speaks a different word. how can i believe what You say when everyone in my life has always told me different? i've spent almost twenty years believing that i'm undesired and worthless.. and now You're trying to walk in and upturn everything i've built my life upon?

I can't help but feel like You're holding out on me, that all of Your promises will lay empty and broken at my feet. I don't want to feel this way about You, and I know You understand.

It hurts so badly that You understand. that You know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling - all of the negative lies I think about you - and yet You still love me. it kills me that everything You do towards me or think about me is done through the eyes of mercy. I'm not worthy. I deserve for You to turn Your back on me, and yet You continue to stand there with arms wide open.

I don't want to trample the blood of Jesus under my feet. I don't want to tell You that Your Son's sacrifice was not enough, that the pain is too deep, that I must make up for it with my own blood. I don't want to hurt Your heart. It breaks my heart to know that I'm hurting You. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to disappoint You, even though You say that I don't. I want to bring You joy, not suffering, even though You say You sit in the heavens and laugh. I want to give You everything, just as You gave everything for me. but I can't. i know i'm selfish.. but I just can't trust You yet. I spent ninteen and a half years building walls to protect what was left of my shattered heart, and now You're asking me to give into You?

where were You? where were You the whole time i was growing up? where were You?

You say that You were there, crying with me. i don't know how to believe You. but i want to.

i have so many more questions to ask You. i know the answers. really, i do. i know the truth about what is written in this blog. i have a wealth of information stored up in my head.. but information means nothing without revelation.

i don't want to go back there. please. don't let me go back there. i need You.