You told me that I need to keep going.. that I need to press in.. that You saw me, the joy set before You, and it gave You what You needed to endure the cross.
You told me that I need to fix my eyes on You.. and to see the joy set before me -- the souls that are going to know You because of me.. and the family I am going to have.. with a husband and a dog and a Daddy who loves me -- and allow that joy to give me the strength I need to get through this.
You showed me that You will stay by my side and walk me through this step-by-step.. that You'll hold my hand.. that You'll just sit there and cry with me.
You showed me that if I don't feel like living, it's okay.. because You'll take over.. that I can empty myself of me and allow You to do the work, to live through me.
Thank You for breaking the silence.
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I don't understand, and I'm not going to pretend that I do. Your ways are too far above mine. I know that You're going to get so much glory out of this.. that I will emerge as gold purified through the flames, and something good will come out of all of this pain, even though I can't see it right now.
I know that this is hurting You far worse than it's hurting me, although I can't even imagine that at the moment.
I know that I'm on a different playing field now. I know that I feel Your joy more intensely than many, and therefore, it makes sense that I would feel satan's weak attacks more intensely.
You're taking me to a new level. You're making me a mountain that cannot be shaken. A good chunk of satan's arsenal will no longer effect me after this present darkness lifts. and I'm going to be filled with joy unspeakable - more intensely than I've ever experienced before.
Thank You for removing the lie that I need to walk through this perfectly. You're not demanding that I get through it exactly as Jesus would; You're simply asking that I let You get me through it.
And with Your help, I will.
I will not die in this fight. It's okay that I'm camped right on the line between life and death.. because I know that You will not let me cross it.
I will get through this night, even though it is seemingly endless. Even though I want to give up. Even though it feels like there's no way out. The night is always darkest right before the dawn. And the dawn is guaranteed to break because You are the only one Who can hold back the sun, and You are not going to do that.
It sucks that You won't deliver me or take this pain from me.. but at least I know that You're going to bring me through this, even if You won't pick me up out of it.
None of this makes it hurt any less.. but now I have the hope that as long as Your hand is in mine, I can walk through the flames.
Thank You for showing me that this is not forever.
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